Things that have almost killed me

This will be an ongoing list of things that have almost kill me.

1. Nearly run over by a moped
2. Nearly run over by a car
3. Nearly run over by an army truck
4. Nearly getting speared in the face by a ladder held by a man driving quickly on a moped.

I have a feeling the first two are going to be quite common, so only things like 3 or 4 will be mentioned from now on unless there is something particularly interesting about it.

Change of Goals

Over new years I made 3 plans for the year. These were:

1. Move to another country (Vietnam)
2. Learn another language (Sin Chow!)
3. Take a photo of an animal I have never seen before (living and in the wild)

As I have completed 1 and will need 2 to survive day to day life I feel that they are kind of cheating. Therefore I am going to scrap them and make up 2 more. I have thought about this a lot and have found 1 more. It's quite common here to play a game called Elephant/Chinese Chess, some parts of it are similar to normal chess but also it's also quite different. So far I have watched 2 games and played 1, losing quite convincingly to a small child. Therefore:

1. Beat a child... at Elephant Chess

Firstly I will need to learn the symbols on the counters, then I will learn the moves, then tactics, then how to cheat. Not necessarily in that order.

What the face?

**This post was written over several days and in various states of delirium and jet lag**

So here I am, my first day in Vietnam. Covered in now slightly burning insect repellant and Moisturising Suncare Spray (which protects me from cancer AND insects apparently) which I had not applied in time to be useful for the 15 minute taxi ride in which my face got burned. And my leg got bitten.

But what of my flight etc? I flew with Singapore Air, the most exciting thing about this is that they provide little screens in the seat in front and remotes like Wii sticks. They also have a huge selection of music available, loads of films and general TV stuff. This involved actual new stuff, one of the films it had was Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (which is quite new now if you're looking at this in the future).

It also had the greatest show I have ever seen. What The Face? This is an Asian (not sure where, sorry Asia) show and involves (presumably) famous make up artists at the peak of their profession. And how would they be judged? By blurring the gender of 6 teenagers of course! A panel (again, I think they were famous because when they came in they looked cool and people clapped) had to guess the gender of the models in 2 rounds of mayhem.

Round 1!

The children appeared and said their name and did a cool move. The judges then individually guessed what they thought the gender of the child was.

Round 2 (actually 2-7, each model had their own round)!

The judges, now in 2 teams, then got to interview the child (voice modification was used to hide their true gender) for about 30 seconds. This was pretty odd, as the voice was horrifically unnatural and the child was in a gigantic misty half birdcage thing. Then it got more weird. The child had to do a dance. These were initially tame “pop dances” but they got progressively more and more weird. The final model actually did a pole dance. After the dance the judges got to discuss while the audience voted by moving to either the male or female seating stand. The model then announced their real gender.

Mental.

I then spent about an hour running around Changi Airport in state best described as euphoric delirium. I realised too late that I was in the wrong terminal to visit the butterfly farm, but I did enjoy the white tiger and Koi carp garden though.

I slept in a local hotel for my night in Saigon, I was on the top floor. A long, long way up.

And in the matrix.

The next day I caught the bus from Saigon to Duc Trong. A ride that was both insanely dangerous and beautiful.Next to me an elderly woman silently wept and vomited for the duration of the trip. In front a couple literally fought with their children in an attempt to make them stop sitting in the central causeway of the bus and sliding down to the front when it came to one of it's many sudden and erratic stops. I think the horn was used almost every minute of the journey. The scenery was incredible.

Parasites! Fat Knees! Really Long Flights!

Tomorrow I make my flight to Vietnam, stopping for several hours in Singapore before the final flight to Ho Chi Minh. Until today my entire cultural knowledge of modern Vietnam was limited to what I had seen on Gordon's Great Escape, Vietnam's Next Top Model and my really harrowing phrase book (genuinely sporting such faves as "Are there any landmines over there?" and [said by a dentist to you] "come back I haven't finished yet"). Obviously this has hasn't really made me feel reassured as I dislike explosions, pain, internal parasite-giving food and people pointing at and discussing my fat knees. As a result I have spent much of the last few days trying to find something which makes sense of Vietnamese culture and I stumbled onto this blog which made me realise that I never really will.

Saying goodbye and eyeing up some coffins

I had to say goodbye to a lot of my friends in Birmingham and London this weekend which was incredibly sad. What wasn't sad though, was an exhibit at the Southbank Centre (I saw Simon Callow, I waved, he didn't) - Fantastic coffins of UK and Ghana! It had a selection of different coffins from one UK company and one Ghanaian company. Here are some fav's.

I also ate some amazing food (I now like Red Snapper and dislike waiting for 2 hours for drinks/food to arrive [separate places, you know who you are]) and generally had an ace time. Bye guys!

A guide to dying in Vietnam

I haven't posted in a while, mainly because I've been dealing with either admin or what would happen if I die while abroad ("according to our policy if you die we will cremate you locally and then fly your ashes back to the UK. If that happens, call our emergency medical line"). This is the third time I have tried to write this and I have failed each time, so here is a video of a man having a dance instead.

Getting a job! Visa concerns! Eating a still-beating heart!

Today I accepted a job in Vietnam. After a whirlwind of rejection, I now have a job. Although not my first choice (Indonesia), I have agreed to the job for a number of reasons.

1. I watched Gordon's Great Escape (S2E2) as my research. His look of sad resignation as he was forced to down a drink containing the still-beating heart of a snake made me laugh for ages. He looked like one of those dogs with wrinkly faces that has just realised that poo isn't food.

2. It's Vietnam

3. It's one of the most beautiful and interesting countries in the world and provides an excellent springboard to see other amazing countries.

4. In the interview I asked what the weather was like, my interviewer replied "quite cool, only 25 degrees"

5. It's Vietnam

On this basis, I now need to start sorting out my work Visa (a word synonymous with speed and not having to bribe officials) and try to steal information about Vietnam, the Vietnamese and their language/s(?) from the internet.

Murder! Shouty Russians! Art Shove!!!

A variety of things have happened this weekend, none of which were me getting a job. One of the main things that did happen was that I attended an immersive theatre event in London organised by Secret Cinema. This involved dressing up as a spy/sleuth/private detective/thing type guy and hanging out with other people dressed in a similar way. Some of these people were actors, some were not. It was set in the "International Zone" in post-war Vienna, policed by the French, Russian, British and American forces. The people we were with were in the black market, told by our leader (type guy) that if we did jobs for them we could get forged passports to work legally. It was genuinely insane. We were shepherded past Police, immigration (shouty Russians searched my bag) and into a giant warehouse converted into several floors owned by the different occupying forces. Actually being shouted at in Russian was quite unnerving, as was talking to a lot of the actors who seemed genuinely annoyed if you didn't speak their language. We got sucked in to a variety of different experiences, ranging from going to the cinema to having to throw a packet of something to a dancer on the floor above (I did nearly take her eye out but on the plus side I def. didn't look like I throw like a girl). I did earn my passport but I did then spend most of the evening trying to beg, borrow or steal a pen to fill it out with. By the time I did get a pen (gullible idiot bartender) the person who needed to stamp it had already been arrested. Soon after it turned out we were in the world of a film, which we then watched. I won't tell you what film it was because A. That would ruin it for people who were going B. I like to be pretentious and irritating. It turned out the film had mostly been acted out over the course of the evening, part of which we were involved in (people making phone calls, being given items to identify each other with etc.) and parts of which we weren't. I have missed out at least 80% of what happened because of A. and B. above. Also C. My hands are getting tired. 

If this was not enough mayhem for one weekend, I also went to this Russian Art/Architecture thing.

But something more beautiful was created at the RAA that day. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you

ART SHOVE!!!

Players 2+

The aim of Art Shove!!! is to amass as many points as possible by shoving people in art galleries. Different results of a shove lead to different point rewards as detailed below.

1 Point -  The basic shove - Contact is made, the shovee is moved by the impact.

2 Points - The steadier - The shovee is moved enough to take a step to steady themselves. +1 point for each steadying step taken.

3 Points - The leaner - The shovee has to lean on or touch the wall (NOT TOUCHING ART, SEE BELOW) 

4 Points - The sleeping Lion -  The shovee falls on the floor.

5 Points - First Contact -  The shovee touches art as a result of the shove.

10 Points - Strike - You are asked to leave the exhibition

Auto-win - Banned from the museum/gallery for over a day

Auto-lose - using the safe word

These can also be mixed so if a player is shoved (1pt), then has to take 2 steadiers (+2+1), then makes first contact (+5) then the shover gets 9 points.

The rules of Art Shove!!! are as follows:

1. All people who want to play must say they want to before entering the gallery, you must also create a safe word to use if you want out ie. "poodle"
2. The game begins when you enter the gallery and ends when you leave (this is not reception shove)
3. Hands cannot be used, just body shoves
4. If someone uses the safe word they must leave the gallery instantly and are automatically disqualified
5. 2 people to a shove

Enjoy!

Lessons learned

* I'm extremely substandard at illegal immigration

* When forced, I can't speak Russian

* I am willing to blind the innocent to prove I can throw

* Frauding passports gives me a stress headache

* I still need a job

10 (mildly) Useful Skype Interview Tips

A few pointers for interviews on Skype -

1. Be prepared for them to see you - have a webcam and start it as a video call even if you get told to turn it off for bandwidth reasons so it doesn't look like you have anything to hide.

2. Be prepared for them to see you - HIDE EVERYTHING YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE (photos of people vomiting, ridiculous hats etc.).

3. Be prepared for them to see you - formal looking clothes are good, it gives the impression you aren't a clueless nob. This applies to the lower half as well, although it does make the interview process slightly less edgy.

4. Be prepared for them to see you - go into your Skype profile, click change picture and then check that everything looks normal. This is what they will see.

5. Be prepared for them not to be able to see you - they can (might be able to) see your face, but not what your face is looking at on your computer screen. Type out questions you think you may get and then write out answers you can give, also do the same for questions you want to ask. Ensure you read them like a robot. Everyone loves robots.

6. Be prepared for them not to be able to see you - To make conversation sound as natural as possible while talking to a person in a different continent through a computer with a time lag, pretend the person is sitting in front of you is nodding and smiling. And clapping.

7. Be prepared for them to be able to hear you - turn off music, avoid building sites, don't try to impersonate their accents.

8. Be prepared for them to be able to hear you - blow all experience and accomplishments out of proportion. YOU DA MAN/WOMAN!!!!

9. Be prepared for them to Skype you - Add them 15 minutes before the interview, preventing them from calling you early while you are doing some last minute frantic hiding of stuff.

10. Be prepared for them to not Skype you - Time difference confusion is a nightmare, either resulting in a call at 2 in the morning or for them not to call you at all.

So far, so rejected

I recently got my CELTA qualification. This involved not much sleep and a lot of silently crying at photocopiers. I am (technically) now allowed to stand in front of people and tell them how to speak English. I have set this blog up to either gloat at friends and strangers alike or to contact search and rescue organisations, depending on how things pan out. 


With this in mind I have been applying to pretty much anything I can which isn't clearly a scam or isn't in a place where I am likely to be shot at or kidnapped. My responses have largely varied between the blunt:


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Mời bạn xem th�ng tin chi tiết tại  (website)
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to the wildly festive:


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Dear ******


We don´t have any openings for the first semester of 2012.  We will keep your CV in our pending file.

The *********** wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy new Year!!!

Sincerely,

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I have had one interview so far (Mexico, Skype) although the interviewer was mildly distracted by the tarantula attacking his wife. I didn't get the job though so I did have the last laugh.


Lessons learned:


* In your wife's face.